Loving Your Child, Without Losing Yourself

The other day, a mom I work with said quietly,

“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Her teenage son has been struggling for months — panic attacks, sleepless nights, social stress. She’s been there for all of it: the late-night tears, the school meetings, the constant worry. But somewhere between the appointments, the advocacy, and the exhaustion, she lost herself.

She used to love running and trying new recipes. Now she can’t remember the last time she did either.

“It feels wrong to do anything for myself when he’s in pain,” she told me. “How can I enjoy life when he can’t?”

And I get it. When we love our kids so much, it’s easy for their emotional world to become our own. Their anxiety becomes the pulse of the household. Their sadness colors our days. Their struggle quietly starts to determine how we feel, what we do, and how much joy we allow ourselves to feel.

But here’s what I reminded her — and maybe you need to hear it, too:

You can love your child deeply without losing yourself in the process.

Holding On to Yourself Through Their Struggle

You don’t have to match your child’s suffering to prove your love.

Somewhere along the way, many of us learned to measure our worth by how our kids are doing. If they’re okay, we exhale. If they’re not, we hold our breath.

But that way of living slowly shrinks our world until we forget that we’re people too — with our own needs, wants, and stories still unfolding.

Love is about connection, not collapse.

Being with your child in their pain doesn’t mean disappearing into it. In fact, the steadier and more alive you are, the safer they feel.

Finding Your Way Back to Yourself

If you’ve noticed yourself fading — if you’ve stopped doing things that make you feel alive, or you’ve been waiting for your child to feel better before you let yourself exhale — here are a few gentle ways to start coming back:

1. Notice when your child’s emotions begin to shape your world. Sometimes their pain quietly takes over the atmosphere at home. If you catch yourself holding your breath or planning your day around their mood, pause and remind yourself: I can stay connected to my child while also staying connected to myself. We can care deeply without being consumed. Staying grounded and tending to your own spark isn’t selfish — it’s how you keep your essence alive, so you have something steady and real to offer back.
   

2. Give yourself permission to feel good. Feeling joy, calm, or relief doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your child’s pain. It means you’re human — and your happiness brings balance back to the home.
   

3. Reclaim small things that bring you life. A walk, a stretch, a favorite meal, music that lifts you — these moments remind your nervous system that safety and goodness still exist here.
   

4. Reach out. You’re not meant to hold all this alone. Talk to someone who reminds you of who you are beyond the worry — a friend, a coach, a support group that understands.

You are still a whole person — with dreams, needs, and moments that belong only to you. Your happiness doesn’t betray your child’s struggle. It strengthens you to keep showing up with love.

You don’t have to disappear to prove your devotion. In fact, staying whole might be the greatest act of love you can offer.

With love & respect,

Coco

P.S. What helps you stay connected to yourself — to your spark, your peace, your joy? Let us know in the comments.